Overcoming a Hard Heart: Softening Your Heart in the Presence of God

Relationships are not something we simply have—they are something we steward. Just as a shepherd carefully tends his flock, God tends our hearts. Sometimes, that care doesn’t feel comfortable.

Picture a wounded sheep. When it has been attacked, the Shepherd must clean out the wound before healing can begin. Dirt, infection, and debris must be removed. The process stings—but it saves. If the wound is left untreated, infection spreads, and ultimately brings destruction and death.

“Just as medicine stings the wound to bring healing, so truth stings so that God can bring emotional healing.” - Pastor Jim Weaver

God is not willing to allow the wolves of this world to ravish His people. He loves us too much to leave us infected by pride, unforgiveness, selfishness, and strife.

God’s Way Is the Only Way

We live in a culture that treats God’s way as one option among many. However, Scripture is clear: His way is not up for debate. It is not one path among many—it is the Way.

In Matthew 19:1–9, Jesus addresses divorce. 

19 Now it came to pass, when Jesus had finished these sayings, that He departed from Galilee and came to the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2 And great multitudes followed Him, and He healed them there. 3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who [a]made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

In verses 8–9 especially, He explains that Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. God allowed it, not because it was His perfect will, but because the people’s hearts had become hardened.

Hard hearts always cost us something.

What Causes a Hard Heart?

A hard heart is often formed as a defense mechanism. It develops when someone has been hurt, disappointed, or betrayed. Walls go up. Emotions shut down. A person may appear harsh or stern, but underneath is usually unresolved pain.

The tragedy? The same walls that keep pain out also keep love from flowing freely–in or out. You become a stagnant spring that no longer gives or receives life. 

Jesus describes this condition in Matthew 13:15–16.

15 For the hearts of this people have grown dull.
Their ears are hard of hearing,
And their eyes they have closed,
Lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears,
Lest they should understand with their hearts and turn,
So that I should heal them.’

16 But blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear…

When hearts grow dull, spiritual sight and hearing are affected. We stop seeing and hearing God’s voice clearly. We even stop loving people the way He calls us to love.

Our hearts will default to hardness if we do not stay pliable in the presence of God. His presence is like oil, which in Scripture represents anointing, preservation, and softening. His presence is what turns hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. 

What are some things that we allow that cause hardness in our hearts?

1. Pride

Proverbs 13:10 tells us that pride produces strife.

10 By pride comes nothing but strife,

But with the well-advised is wisdom.

Pride whispers:

“I’m right.”

“They should apologize first.”

“I deserve better.”

Pride always breeds conflict.

In marriage, pride is especially destructive. Ask yourself: Will you allow pride and strife to steal from your relationship? Or will you humble yourself and remove pride from your heart? It’s not your spouses’ job to change first. You only have control over YOU. So be the first to humble yourself and allow the Lord to work on those hard areas in your life. 

When you’re arguing, ask: Who’s winning? Because if one of you is winning, both of you are losing. Marriage is not a competition. It’s a covenant.

2. Unforgiveness

Jesus speaks plainly in Matthew 6:14–15: if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven.

14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

That might seem harsh, but that is Truth. God doesn’t give us these truths to hurt us, but to keep us from hurt. 

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It’s for you. Unforgiveness binds the one who carries it and creates a prison in your own heart.

Repentance is different from simply asking for forgiveness. When you ask the Lord to forgive you, He absolutely does forgive. But in order to see lasting health and freedom, you have to repent. To repent means to change—to turn the other direction. It is an act of your will and sets you up to receive the blessings of a life transformed by His power and Spirit. 

When we choose to forgive, we unlock freedom. Imagine what would happen if believers truly walked in forgiveness. Revival would break out in our streets! Homes would be restored and relationships would heal!

3. Selfishness

The priority of “self” erodes the love of God in our hearts.

In John 13:34–35, Jesus commands us to love one another as He has loved us. That kind of love is selfless.

And in Mark 10:45, we see that Jesus did not come to be served—but to serve.

Selfishness says, “What about me?”
Love says, “How can I serve?”

According to Romans 2:5–11, glory, honor, and peace are promised to those who do good—to those who serve.

​​5 But in accordance with your hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, 6 who “will render to each one according to his deeds”: 7 eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good seek for glory, honor, and immortality; 8 but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness—indignation and wrath, 9 tribulation and anguish, on every soul of man who does evil, of the Jew first and also of the Greek; 10 but glory, honor, and peace to everyone who works what is good, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 11 For there is no partiality with God.

The question is: Whose kingdom are you building—yours or God’s?

The Callus Effect

“If you live in a graveyard too long, you stop crying when someone dies.” 

- Pastor Jim Weaver

That’s what a callus does. It deadens sensitivity. Over time, we can become so accustomed to conflict, bitterness, or emotional distance that it no longer shocks us.

But numbness is not health.

A hardened heart stops responding. It stops grieving. It stops loving. Yet there is hope for every broken relationship. God can heal every place of hurt.

What Softens a Hard Heart?

Scripture gives us a clear path back to tenderness.

1. Recognize the Condition

Proverbs 28:14 reminds us: 

14 Happy is the man who is always reverent,

But he who hardens his heart will fall into calamity.

You cannot heal what you refuse to acknowledge. Ask God to search your heart and reveal anything that is not of Him.

2. Humble Yourself

James 4:6 tells us that God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. Verse 10 says to humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Humility invites grace while pride blocks it. Humility before God, and before your spouse, opens the door to restoration.

3. Choose to Forgive

In Matthew 18:21–22, Jesus tells Peter to forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven. This was not so we could keep score of how many times we have to forgive someone, but to show that our forgiveness should be without limits. Jesus is always faithful to forgive us our sins, so we should be willing to forgive, no matter how many times it is needed. 

4. Choose to Love

Love is not passive. It is intentional.

Revelation 2:4–5 calls believers back to their First Love. If your heart has grown cold, return to the Love, Jesus, that started it all. Allow the Holy Spirit to reignite your flame of love–first for Jesus and then for your spouse and then all your other relationships. Without His love, it is impossible to love anyone else. Remember where you started. Repent. Do the things you did at first, and love will bloom in your heart once more.

As much as it depends on you, choose to live at peace with everyone. Choose softness. Choose humility. Choose love.

There Is Hope

If your heart feels hard today, that does not have to be the end of your story.

The Shepherd still tends His sheep. He still cleans wounds. He still restores.

Yes, truth may sting, but it is the sting that heals. When you allow God to soften your heart, you will see again. You will hear again. You will love again.

Because a soft heart in the hands of God is stronger than a hardened heart trying to protect itself.