Divorce Doesn’t Start in the Courtroom…
My husband and I met in choir class during high school. He was a freshman and I was a junior, and while he tells the “love at first sight” kind of meeting, we didn’t start out dating each other. We started out as friends. We would hang out at each other’s houses with our siblings, friends, and parents. We spent the next five years building a friendship. If we wouldn’t have ended up married, I have no doubt that we would still be really good friends, because we built on the right foundation.
Friendship is what brings you together as a married couple in the first place. Or at least, the closest marriages seem to start out that way. Without that foundation, any marriage will be sorely lacking in closeness and intimacy. One of the biggest reasons to get married is that you didn’t want to spend your life alone. You wanted companionship. You wanted to have someone you could share life with.
I remember when my husband and I were still just friends. He thought it was a good idea that my sister, Hannah, and I learned how to drive stick shift in his little Ford Ranger. I had tried to learn a few years before I met Colton, in my dad’s giant truck, but wasn’t able to get the hang of it.
On this particular day, Colton suddenly pulled the truck over to the side of the road, in a residential area near my house and told me to get in the driver's seat. I was pretty nervous about it, and for good reason. I don’t know how many times I killed the blasted thing, all while Hannah and Colton laughed at me. I honestly didn’t mind, because we were having such a good time (yes, at my expense.)
A few years later, after Colton and I were married, we looked back on that memory and belly-laughed all over again, especially as he tried to teach me again to drive a stick shift, (this time in a little Saturn that we had bought, which was much easier to manage. I guess the third time really is the charm.)
I felt comfortable to learn something new under Colton’s guidance because I knew he had my best interests at heart. He was my friend before he was ever my boyfriend or love interest. We already had a history together when we started courting and shortly after got engaged. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything, because it is the bedrock of our marriage now. I can honestly say that my husband is my best friend and the person long to spend every waking minute with.
How Close Are You?
Unfortunately, this is not the case with most couples in our culture. Things start off on a physical high rather than a foundation of friendship. One-night stands and perpetual dating cause people to value the emotional hype and physical intimacy more than actually building something based on friendship, respect, and servanthood. Being a friend requires putting aside your wants and desires in favor of the other person. Being bed-fellows before marriage requires very little sacrifice or emotional connection.
How close are you with your spouse on a scale of 1-10 right now? Compare that with where you started when you were dating and getting engaged. How has that shifted over the years?
If that number has dropped drastically over the years, here are a few things that might have contributed to your friendship taking a back seat.
You stopped caring about what they cared about.
This goes back to the Defraudment Clause, which was discussed in a post at the beginning of the month. You pretended to be interested in what your spouse was interested in when you were dating, but since getting married, have ceased to do what brings them joy. This could be going to sporting events with him, or walking down the aisles of Target with her. This could be taking romantic walks together. Laughing together. You cannot expect a friendship to thrive if you don’t spend time together, learning about one another, and sharing the most intimate parts of your heart—your dreams, goals, and aspirations.
You Choose to Hold Onto Grudges
No one wants to constantly be reminded of their shortcomings. Forgiveness has to be a daily part of your life together as a couple, or the grudges and misunderstandings are going to chip away at your relationship.
You Stopped Being Companions and You Started Being Business Partners
It is all too easy for a couple to drift apart as they navigate the busyness of our fast-paced culture. Juggling schedules, dealing with burn-out and trying to keep a home afloat is a very real struggle. But you cannot allow that to steal from your relationship.
A simple way to get some fun back into your relationship is this: get a sitter for the kids, lock the phones and devices in the car, and go to dinner. Spend an undistracted evening learning about your spouse again. Talk about the memories you share and rekindle the friendship you once had. This may not change things overnight, but if you make this a continual practice—of shutting out distractions—and purposing to focus on one another, you will find your friendship blooming all over again!
When Did You Get a Divorce?
People don’t just split apart, they drift apart. It is a slow fade, where friendship is subtly replaced with “business meetings”, unmet promises, and a general lack of interest in working on the relationship. Tiredness, selfishness, and down right laziness are all contributors. The truth is that a divorce doesn’t start when a couple decides to turn in the paperwork at the courthouse. It starts in the heart.
It doesn’t have to end here! God is a God of restoration. He can turn any cold, dead flame into a roaring fire once again. Ask Him to help you and your spouse as you work to rekindle the passion and friendship of your marriage.
